ninety four perameters, and growing.
what are the odds that the entire infinitely complex universe just happens to follow every single one perfectly, leading to our civilization? well, i can’t really tell you, because a human cannot even write the number of zeroes that number would take in their entire lifetime. just sayin’.
there are far too many people that see christians as backwords imbisiles who cannot think for themselves, which is completely and factually speaking untrue. and that depresses me. yes, there are people who are indeed such things, and there are people who think that because they are “christians” that makes them better than everybody else and they spend their entire lives on a pedastile. but there are also athiests, muslims, jews, scientologists, and so on that believe the exact same thing. so shuddupppppp:/
and many athiest these days are just self-centered and simply do not want to expell the energy associated with “religion”. they just want to live life for themselves and be “happy” and “free.” well, i am both of those things to a much greater and deeper extent than any athiest.
and it isn’t even just about happiness- it is about pure logic. is it logical that a whole bunch of nothing somehow exploded into a bunch of something and then there was more something, then dinosaurs, then people? i mean, i have no proper education on the matter and i am grossly oversimplifying it, but essentially, this is what it boils down to. and it is completely illogical.
one argument i have heard recently is the fact that morals exist. but not just morals shared by a single faith- morals shared by every person of sound mind, a.k.a. not-a-sociopath. athiests often point out that they, too, have morals, and i absolutely believe it. they do. everybody does, right? so my question is- where do they come from? logically speaking, “morals” are utterly illogical. i mean, if you are a male, your primary urge should be to spread your seed and mate with as many females as possible. (this is called instinct.) and if your ideal mate already belongs to another, then obviously, this other person should be taken out so the female can belong to you. this makes rape and murder okay, which logically speaking, it should be. this is our instict- mate and bear children as often as possible, and take out anything bigger than you that poses as a threat.
[ “but jenni, we have a government! it is against the law, and just because i think it’s right doesn’t mean i will not pay consequence. i just don’t see it as worth it.”
well, if the majority of humans followed instinct (it would, in fact, be a majority), then government would have never been created. face! ]
but in spite of all of this logic behind rape and murder, the athiest, the christian, and the satanist can all agree that these are wrong. but WHY? where are these instincts that we should so obviously have? well, the answer is morals. athiests, christians, satanists, et cetera. we all have them (excpet, of course, the occasional unfortunate brains with short curcuits.) but logically speaking, we shouldn’t. so where do they come from?
well, you tell me.
the funeral was today, and i actually feel better. i mean, i’ll never be “over” it, but it’s like i’m totally fine with that now. it’s like all the stress and depression has been lifted.
i didn’t say anything, though. i kind of wanted to, and i had it all planned out in my head, but saying it in my head was enough for me to make my peace. thinking back now, i probably should have- the family would have appreciated it. but i don’t regret not doing it, which is a surprise for me, but a nice one. i still should have said something, though.
but it’s okay. we’ve all made our peace.
grandma and i have made our peace with eachother, as well. she apologized for not being able to tell me everything when she came and got jessica, but i completely understand, and i’m glad she didn’t. it was for the best.
and mom says that her, walter, jessica, nick and i are all going to get together and talk. she is just amazingly understanding- she made sure i knew very well that i am still a part of the family; that we are all a family. and we need to stick together, and be there for eachother. she said that i can still come over any time i needed to, and i really appreciated all that she said to me.
the funeral wasn’t depressing at all; walter couldn’t have planned it any better himself.
i’m still worried about jessica- she said walter’s side of the family was going to have a big “family talk” with them, and it didn’t sound like it was going to go very well at all. but i do know she’s most likely coming over within the next few days, because brittney (sp?) is going to be over there. mom told me she would send her over here, which i insisted.
i’ll probably write more about it tomorrow; i need to go to bed, church in the morning. i haven’t been in weeks… i took a big nap today, but i’m feeling pretty tired, so hopefully i can get some sleep.
that writing things out helps. a lot.
also, things i already knew about myself- when i am depressed, i bake. especially late at night. and when huge things happen in my life that i have absolutely no control over, i cut my hair.
i did both of these things very late last night (both with a certain degree of terribleness) and take it as a very good sign.
was a good man. he just didn’t show it. he bet his pride and lost.
it was just a stupid game.
now your family is alone.
and scared.
how could you do this?
how could one man be so prideful?
wants me to talk to a professional. i’m not going to. maybe… maybe i’ll talk to a school counselor; probably the light counselor, if i do. i really don’t want to, because i’ve already had horrible experiences with them and they completely suck at everything ever and they do NOT help at all.
i. don’t. want. to.
just leave me alone. please.
something that i am truly terrible at, worse than anything else, is dealing with death. i just have no idea how. i’m so conflicted; what do i think?
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I feel the hunger slowly creeping in… it hollows out my veins, leaving only air on which to suffocate. There is no possibility of concious thought at this point- all thoughts, all whispers in my mind are now lost to the hunger, the lust. The need.
Much like the dreaded creature that comes out only at night, only to feed. The creature that waits patiently for oppurtunity. The misunderstood, woebegone unfortunates that have a sort of secret dominion over the very earth by which they were cast down from their rightful place.
Much like these beings, I hunt my prey at night. Our hungers control us both, and we are held captive by them without a solid hope to grasp- we are slaves to our own passions. Their lust for blood, such is my own need to feed, is what drives them. What fuels their fire- not the fuel itself, but the need for said fuel. That is what forces them into the stalking of humans under cover of glorious moonlight, what forces them to unwillingly forfeit their own true desires for that of the bloodlust… that’s right, the bloodlust itself.
If we are ever to win this war, you and I must set aside our petty differences and find solice in the fact that from that point forward, nothing we do is real.
Much like the dreaded vampire, hunting their prey in the night… As such is my own need to feed. But not on human sustanance, no… i feed only…ON POKES.
Oh, Facebook!:D you’ve made an addict of us all. (Inspired by Rachell. <3)
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